The INVISIBLE GUY a real soundtrack for an imaginary spy film Episode Twenty-Seven - DETHACLON   Copyright © 2002 - 2005 Arthur Jarvinen

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Scene:

The Invisible Guy is in Aspen hoping to get some information from a mysterious Frenchman known only as Guy, who won't do business anywhere else during ski season. The Invisible Guy is supposed to meet this Guy halfway down one of the blue runs which is, conveniently, closed for "routine maintenance". Cool. Nice chance for The Invisible Guy to get in a bit of downhill time with the run all to himself - and he didn't even have to pay for the lift ticket.

The Invisible Guy is luxuriating in his solitary descent down the deserted part of the mountain, gracefully shifting his weight and traversing the slope while taking in the gorgeous view and the crystal clear sunlit air, in no particular hurry to make his rendezvous, when suddenly the calm is shattered by a rapid flurry of sharp pops and the whizzing of bullets past his ears.

Instantly realizing he's been set up The Invisible Guy doesn't waste a second, digging in with his poles, lunging forward and crouching low, bearing straight down the slope for maximum speed. In a hail of bullets he suddenly cuts hard right and takes the turn around some trees, out of the sights of his would-be assassins, at least for the moment.
 

Racing down the mountain in hot pursuit is a team of ten female skiers clad in the trendiest of all possible matching outfits and toting lightweight .22 caliber rifles equipped with scopes, and each one a dead ringer for Claudine Longet when she was in her twenties.
 

Fortunately for our hero the gals don't shoot as good as they look, but there are ten of them, and The Invisible Guy knows he hasn't a second to lose. He ditches his britches in record time, and with his wiener practically freezing in the brisk mountain air he kicks one ski hard, sending it flying off ahead of him, then jumps on the other one and shoves off, snowboarding butt-naked down the mountain at top speed just as the Death Squad ski bunnies round the bend.

Seeing his loose skis flying down the slope, chaotically careening and bouncing off moguls, the girls figure The Invisible Guy must have taken a spill and lost them, and as he couldn't possibly have gotten very far in his boots he has to be hiding among the nearby trees. A quick search uncovers his clothes, but another half-hour of looking turns up no further sign of their elusive quarry. Frustrated and confused the girls give up and start down the mountain, in formation, to debrief and report to their employer on their bungled mission.

Meanwhile, The Invisible Guy gets his blood circulating again in the welcome radiance next to the hearth of the huge fireplace in the lodge.

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Claude, sporting his newly-acquired-at-considerable-expense après-ski togs, scrutinizes a detail in one of the color plates in Navajo Weavings From the Andy Williams Collection, by Ann Lane Hedlund, while lamenting the fact that he can't find anything much better than Coors Lite with which to refresh himself in this hopelessly over-hyped and hyper-expensive town.
 

Click on Claudine to visit the only site on the web devoted exclusivley to her (although there are lots of other fun Claudine pages and references to be found).

The rifle above is a popular (and expensive) one for biathlon, the sport combining (cross country) skiing and target shooting.