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Episode Thirty - JUDEAN DISGUISE - WITH PAYOS (The Invisible Goy)

Copyright © 2002 - 2005 Arthur Jarvinen

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On a tip from Jokko The Invisible Guy has picked up a copy of Semite Times, an obscure weekly that actually has nothing to do with Jews and Arabs but is really just a gimmick, the gimmick being that since almost all palindromes read somewhat awkwardly, often missing articles and therefore tending to resemble headlines more than actual sentences that real people might say, the paper's editor-in-chief decided to make all the headlines palindromes, and then get his staff to find things to write about based on those, which makes for pretty trivial journalism, but even so the paper has found a small but devoted readership - particularly in Boston – that doesn't pay much attention to the stories anyway, getting it mostly for the entertainment value of the classified ads.

After briefly perusing the headlines for a bit of mild amusement The Invisible Guy gets down to business and turns to the classifieds and, as Jokko intimated he might, notices one that particularly piques his interest.

Halfway down the page, right between one that says only "Arby's macht fries", and a whole lot of others mostly by men looking for other, really filthy men to tongue-bathe, he sees one that must surely be a message in code, apparently an inordinately long single word, palindromic in structure, possibly in an ancient dialect, and with its true meaning no doubt residing in the numerological significance of the letters rather than the merely linguistic translation of the word itself.

"There's only one man I know of who could possibly hope to decipher this", and with that thought The Invisible Guy is off to Judea to seek out Mordechai Motz - Hebrew mystic, Talmudic scholar, Kabbalist and cryptographer.

The Invisible Guy locates Motz in a small town called Golem Heights and, intrigued by the mysterious advert, the rabbi agrees to work on it. But he is, frankly, even more intrigued by The Invisible Guy and his peculiar condition, suggesting that he may be able to be of some assistance in that department as well. His knowledge of occult mysteries and abilities in that realm are no secret; "I've even made a Golem" Motz confides, under his breath.

The Invisible Guy isn't completely convinced but figures what the hell, can't hurt to try, and agrees to let Motz work his magic on him. The rabbi leads The Invisible Guy through a narrow door into a small, candle-lit room full of arcane implements, sundry unguents, and other ritual paraphernalia. 

"Now then, just lie down there and relax, and we'll begin. You sing the Dreydl Song – I assume you know it – while I give you a tongue-bath."

"Oh God, somehow I knew it! " NO WAY!!" And he is outta there lickety-split.

"Actually, I could have hung with  the tongue bath, but the Dreydl Song?! Man, what a sick-o!"


Meanwhile, in Baton Rouge, Mustaccio is in a cocktail lounge at the Playboy Club listening to Joan Fraud and her Playmate Band, an all-female tribute to John Fred. He is just about to pay his tab and leave when the band finally gets around to playing the only song in their set that anyone there is even remotely likely to recognize – Judy In Disguise (With Glasses). Knowing a really good song when he hears it, and having not heard this particular one in a very long time, Mustaccio decides to hang around and check it out.

As they're playing the instrumental verse on some cheesy synthetic strings patch and throwing in random psychedelic sound effects, fake sitar licks, and motorcycle samples for no apparent reason suddenly, like unto having a Damascus Road experience, Mustaccio sees the light and understands clearly for the first time what the song is really about and – more to the point - precisely what are his next assignment and port of call.

"Man, this is the heaviest one yet - but I can handle it. Ha! He'll never even see me coming…"


Claude, choking down a bit more "Mad Dog 20/20" nearly gags as he reads a classified ad in an old issue of the Boston Phoenix saved for whatever reason from his college days.


A Judean disguise
That's what I need
The Invisible Guy's
Gonna learn my creed
He better start sayin' his prayahs
Cause I'm getting' a Judean disguise
With payos

A Judean disguise
That's what I'll get
The Invisible Guy's
Seen nothin' yet
Gonna perpetrate some chaos
Wearin' my Judean disguise
With payos

Goin' Jewy tonight
Goin' Jewy tonight
Goin' Jewy tonight
With Payos – Yeah!

The Invisible Guy
Doesn't stand a chance
In my black coat and hat, yeah
And the matching pants
I'll teach him to betray us
When I get my Judean disguise
With payos

Triva and stuff:

I found the Arby's pun in a classified in the Boston Phoenix in the mid 1970's. That's all it said. Someone apparently just wanted to share it.

The word "saippuakauppias" is of course a palindrome, and in Finnish means "soap seller".

Need to find non-wheat matzoh in Boston?

Or learn how to curl your payos?

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