a real soundtrack for an imaginary spy film

Episode Three - ROAD KILL (Shit Outta Luck)

Copyright © 2002 - 2005 Arthur Jarvinen

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Zipper Ripper is speeding down a treacherously curving mountain road not far from Banff, hot on the trail of some of Mojo Stang's henchmen who managed to intercept her contact on the train and abscond with one very special guitar pick. Said to have been used by Jeff Beck on his last tour, it showed up for auction on eBay but didn't sell, the auction closing with a first bid of $450,000 but the seller's reserve not met. In itself that wouldn't be so strange, but it is fairly well known that Jeff doesn't actually use plectra. Ms. Ripper saw the red flag, as did Mojo Stang, Mr. Bunghole, and a few other cognoscenti, and an entirely different sort of bidding war ensued elsewhere. Zipper Ripper came out on top – as she often does – and that pick and its secret belong to her. She will NOT be the victim of anyone's "mojo stang"!

As Zipper Ripper goes careening down the narrow road, mad as hell and in hot pursuit, a Ford Pinto pulls casually onto the road from a scenic lookout . It's the Finnish Dart Team, in Canada for some exhibition matches and a little R&R after just having kicked the asses of the Thais, Burmese, and Cambodians, none of whom really understand darts and probably shouldn't even bother to try – but hey, if they want to take on the Finns, let 'em have at it.

The Finns are minding their own business and pretty much just digging the scenery, but they're now in Zipper's way and increasing the distance between her and that very expensive pick. Popping the lid on the tip of her column-mounted gear shift she activates her flame thrower, threatening to burn those damn Finns off the road. Having nothing else even closely resembling a weapon the Finns, leaning out the windows, respond by  throwing their darts at her by the fistful.

Suddenly, as if from nowhere, a moose saunters out onto the highway – ridden by none other than Phez! The Finnish driver slams on his brakes to avoid hitting the animal and a split second later Zipper slams the front end of her Renault 16 into the rear of the Pinto. Both cars and all occupants are blown to smithereens. The moose, unharmed, lumbers off into the woods, and Phez…

Click on the moose to check out a nice moose website.

Claude, having witnessed all from a cable car passing overhead, returns his attention to an old yet still relevant issue of Consumer Reports
and refreshes himself with another draft of kallia.

To be perfectly honest, I know nothing of the relative merits of dart players from Finland compared to those of any other country. I just happened to have dinner once with a guy who lived in Thailand for ten years and got to know the Finnish dart team pretty well when he was there (go figure) and I had to use the idea. (A.J.)

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