a real soundtrack for an imaginary spy film

Episode Forty-Seven - BRA-ZILLA 666

Copyright © 2002 - 2005  Arthur Jarvinen

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Suggested Procedure: READ FIRST, then CLICK HERE TO LISTEN. Or, listen first if you like, but in either case take Frank Zappa's advice and "Do not read & listen at the same time".

[Note that this is another semi-demo version of the tune, which will be finished properly when we get some time to record.]

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Bra-Zilla is Zipper Ripper's identical half-twin sister. That is to say, she and Zipper were fathered by the same man, but born by different mothers at almost exactly the same moment, and are physically nearly identical, although Bra-Zilla has the more ample bosom.

She was christened Virginia Merrimac, but changed her name at the age of twelve after a near-drowning incident while on a family camping trip during summer vacation which dramatically and forever altered her outlook on life, and her career trajectory. Convinced that her own parents had tried to kill her, Bra-Zilla arranged for a gas leak in the Coleman camp stove, which resulted in the burning of her parents' Airstream trailer, with them inside, while she happened to be conveniently absent gathering pretty rocks on the beach. She has lived independently ever since and, being as she is both intelligent and resourceful, not to mention ruthless, has done rather well for herself, and although she doesn't see Zipper Ripper all that often the two have a deep and lasting psychic bond – that is, they did until Zipper's untimely death, in Canada, 44 episodes ago.

Bra-Zilla has satisfied herself that The Invisible Guy is personally responsible for Zipper Ripper's fatal accident on the road from Banff, and has sworn to exact revenge on him for this heinous crime. Never mind the fact that The Invisible Guy wasn't even in the story yet at the time, never heard of Zipper Ripper, and has only infrequently and against his will even been to Canada - a place he avoids as a matter of principle, being as he is extremely irritated by the government's "Canadian Content" policy, especially as it applies to arts funding, and because he hates having to fake his way phonetically in French on those occasions when he is called upon to address a public audience on a live broadcast – all facts Bra-Zilla conveniently and stubbornly chooses to ignore. But we digress...

So anyway....

Bra-zilla is even at this writing outfitting her new boat, the Sluggo, gearing up for combat and preparing to sail in pursuit of The Invisible Guy, with her first mate, Skinless Frank.

Actually, to be precise, Skinless Frank is Bra-Zilla's third mate. Her first mate died in a freak bowling accident at Rainbow Lanes in Warren, Ohio. Her second mate was shot by some legally-blind crossbow hunters in Northern Michigan when, during a camping trip, Bra-Zilla talked him into doing the "Antler Dance" for her, as an erotic entertainment and prelude to love. So, Skinless Frank, Bra-Zilla's first mate, is her third mate. But we digress...

"But why do they call him Skinless Frank?" you are no doubt inclined to ask, and understandably so. Well, it's like this...

Through the course of various encounters with Mojo Stang and other nefarious underworld characters, Bra-Zilla became aware of the Evil Dr. Rojo and his biological experimentation. She suggested to Frank that if the doctor could make him invisible, he would be the perfect secret weapon in her plot to locate The Invisible Guy and destroy him once and for all, and convinced him to submit to Rojo's experimental procedures. For his part, Rojo let 'em slide on the co-pay, as he'd like his own revenge on The Invisible Guy, even more than before since the Bachmann "Russian" is no longer in production and he's having a real hard time finding another one, even on e-Bay.

After weeks of failures, disappointments and dead-ends, Rojo finally had a breakthrough, and the new combination of serums and radiation looked like it was really going to work. In fact it did, but only to a point. Dr. Rojo succeeded in rendering Frank's integument completely transparent, but that's it. Subsequent treatments and variations on the formula did nothing to either advance or reverse the process, leaving Frank with perfectly clear but otherwise healthy skin. So, he's not much of a secret weapon, looking as he does exactly like the "Visible Man" educational plastic model introduced in the '60s and still available, but for some reason Bra-Zilla finds his new look an incredible turn-on, so she decided to keep Frank around as her love slave, ship mate, personal secretary and road manager.

So it is we find them now weighing anchor and setting course for the Chesapeake, with much malice aforethought toward The Invisible Guy.

Claude, from his vantage point in the lighthouse, watches as the Sluggo leaves the harbor and heads out into open water, then returns his attention to Hot Links and Country Flavors, sausages in American regional cooking, by Bruce Aidells and Denis Kelly, and a half-empty (or is that half-full?) highball glass of Captain Morgan.

Let me state for the record that Nathan's skinless franks are my personal favorite hotdogs. I don't own stock in them, and am not a paid endorser. I just think they are a superior weenie, and I consume them with relish. Well, not relish actually. What I mean is I consume them enthusiastically, with mustard and onions. (A.J.)

While we're on the subject of hot dogs and onions, here's an amusing essay by actor  Christopher Walken, from The Onion.

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