a real soundtrack for an imaginary spy film
Episode Forty-Nine -
Copyright © 2002 - 2005 Arthur Jarvinen
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Suggested Procedure: READ FIRST, then CLICK HERE TO LISTEN. Or, listen first if you like, but in either case take Frank Zappa's advice and "Do not read & listen at the same time".
And In Conclusion
waters of the Chesapeake far behind,
had no further run-ins with Bra-zilla – yet - The Invisible Guy has
Nancy in her home port and taken Lola ashore for a night on the town.
itinerary has taken them to Hodaddy's Hut, under new management since
managed to do rather well on the
releasing the world's first "double-concept" EP. Disk one featured
Darmstadt creation, Beans, followed by
a Lance Boyle original, Wax
Woody (On the Autobahn), with him reciting gibberish through a
a Belgian accent that convinced most listeners it was something by
Gainsbourg that they had somehow missed. Disk two was occupied by a
dance mix of Karlheinz Stockhausen's Kreuzspiel,
by a hip
new disco/surf beat with Lance jamming on bongos.
Upon returning State-Side the boys learned that the Boogie Mens' recording of The Disco Surfers Bumpus Rumpus had gotten a bit of airplay in Cleveland and suddenly became a runaway hit, as well as a nation-wide dance craze, thanks to some video footage of Lance shot by an underage girl in Biggy's on her cell phone and uploaded to her brother's web site from whence it has been disseminated free of charge to anyone who wants it.
Of course Scab and Lance are claiming The Disco Surfers Bumpus Rumpus as their creation entirely and are splitting all the royalties 50/50, so Itchy, Rat and Melvyn are suing them, meanwhile gigging around Ohio as the Real McBoogers and doing their own version of the song. Scab in turn is suing them in order to keep them from using any name with "booger" in it. And the whole lot of them are being sued by Gail Zappa, who somehow discovered that the Boogers actually started out in high school as Dog Breath, playing primarily Frank Zappa material without his permission.
The Baron has chosen to steer clear of the whole mess, having recently inherited a tidy little sum from a rich uncle he didn't know he had and gotten himself a real nice fishing lodge in northern Minnesota, where he spends all his time with his new girlfriend Peggy Sue and her iguana, Carl, and his collection of vintage ukeleles, the centerpiece of which is a baritone that he is convinced once belonged to George Harrison, never guessing that it is in fact a forgery from The Diabolical Factory and Outlet Store. But we digress…
Anyway, in keeping with the tradition of pop stars investing their fortunes in the riskiest of all possible business ventures, Scab and Lance have moved to California and bought Hodaddy's Hut, installed a state-of-the-art sound system, expanded to include a huge dance floor, and redecorated with a Polynesian theme. Scab's idea was to make it the new Trader Vic's, but it turned out more like the Smuggler's Inn in Warren, Ohio. Nevertheless, in honor of Vic Bergeron and in the hopes that his spirit will bring them good fortune, the bar's featured beverage is the Mai Tai, and the boys have pulled together a house band for the weekends, called the Hinky Dinks. Scab has penned a theme song for them in his new style – a sort of anachronistic lounge/surf/light jazz fusion – and Lance has, of course, created a new dance to complement it, the "Hodad Strut".
The band is just getting into the swing of things as The Invisible Guy and Lola take their table. She orders a double for them to share without looking conspicuous, with instructions to bring another of the same in ten minutes (who cares if she appears to be a lush?). But before they have an opportunity to wet their whistles Lance is on mic, prepping the audience to watch as he runs them through the moves of his new dance, and Lola, in the mood to shake a little booty, drags The Invisible Guy out onto the floor.
okay with the steps, and The
Invisible Guy, in
spite of the crowd, is managing to avoid collisions with the other
Lola soon wearies of continually having to turn down prospective
insist that a lovely lass such as herself shouldn't be dancing alone
to buy her a drink, so the pair return to their table to pay their tab,
make their exit, figuring they'll have much more fun putting closure on
evening with their own "dance", back on the boat.
As they step out to the curb and Lola rings Phez (yup, you got that right) to bring the car around, who else but Mustaccio should emerge from the bar into the foyer, the yellow light of a tiki lamp casting his shadow against the exit door.
"Somehow, I just don't think so" Claude mumbles to himself, slightly smiling and gently shaking his head, then suddenly finds himself a bit chagrined as he realizes that not only has the waiter not yet brought his Mai Tai (made according to Vic's original recipe, of course), but he is fresh out of reading matter besides.